Reply to

Loren Victory

From: Tim Johnson
Subject: Company Picnic
Time: Yesterday

Dear Lord Vader,

I just wanted to say, I really enjoyed the company picnic. It was a big hit.
It was my first, so I don’t have much to go on in comparison, but I feel safe in saying, it couldn't have been more of a success. I’m still not clear on why you don’t have them every year. I’m sure with all the moving around and hunting down the Rebellion, they’re not that easy to plan.
Admiral Koening did a great job in having something for everyone. There was even a dunking tank and a guy from Sector Nine who drew caricatures. He did one of Stevenson saddled up on one of those Imperial Walker things we used on Hoth. He gave him this big, out of proportion head and his chin was totally exaggerated, but it looked just like him. It was hilarious.
I had to leave somewhat early, but I heard those that hung around really let loose in the late hours. Apparently, Davis got a little drunk and started doing impersonations. They say he does you pretty well. He puts his hand over his mouth and does the breathing thing while going on about.... “find me those plans” and “don’t patronize the Force” or whatever. I was really bummed I missed it.

Things can get a bit tense when you’re trapped on the Death Star for months on end. It was great to let off some steam.
So, thanks.


From: Anonymous
Subject: Re: Suggestion Box
Date: Not that long ago

Sir Vader,

I think the suggestion box is a great idea. And if I may, I’d like to toss in my two cents on something that has bothered the men for quite sometime.
The Stormtrooper uniforms.
These things, Mr. Vader, are truly cumbersome and not fun to be in eight to twelve hours a day. I mean they’re not that bad when you’re simply doing routine stuff around the Star, but we have to wear these things in almost every conceivable planetary environmental condition known to the universe. Tatooine? Are you kidding me? Sand, two suns. We really need some alternate choices.
Whomever thought we should be encased from head to toe in white plastic has obviously never been encased from head to toe in white plastic. It’s a real pain in the ass.
It takes us nearly our whole break just to get the things undone so we can relieve ourselves.
They’re very difficult to run in, they tend to pinch if you cross your legs while seated and it’s actually quite difficult to hear what anyone is saying. I was with Johnson this one time when we ran into that Obi-wan character, and the old man kept saying stuff and Johnson was all “what is he saying?” and repeating stuff back and we got so confused, we let him go.
And, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they aren’t real big on protection. They’re not exactly laser proof. What’s the point, really, if any two-bit Jawa with a blaster can pierce a hole right through the bloody things. We might as well be covered in a coating of marshmellow for what these things are worth.
Not to mention, they’re impossible to clean.

We all really love working for the Empire.
And we all know what a busy man you are and the pressure you’re under.
But, if you could sneak this one up your list, it would be greatly appreciated.

See you at the picnic.


From: Peterson Waste Management
Subject: Re: Trash Compactor Problem
Date: A long time ago

Mr. Vader,

We had a look at your trash compactor last week and I must say for such a well designed “Space Station” your sewage and waste removal system leaves much to be desired.
Seeing as this is the Death Star, and most of the waste would be some type of metal, the fact that a flimsy metal rod could cause such a problem is a major issue. I’m not sure why you don’t simply eject the stuff into space. The universe is infinite. There’s plenty of room. We have an “Empire” type client in a neighboring galaxy and they dump the larger pieces and use it to train rookie laser gunners.
Big money saved right there.
Surely, being the type of organization bent on blazing a trail of destruction across the galaxy, leaving behind a few pieces of scrap is not something you should be concerned about.
Also, the organic matter should be dealt with in a separate closed septic system. The current system is a playground for deadly bacteria or possibly even larger creatures. And seeing how it is all vented directly into the corridors of the Death Star (I was informed that this is how the Rebel gang entered the compactor) you have not only a health issue but the foul odor of rotting, festering sewage coursing through the hallways.

There are other problems as well.
We should talk and discuss options.
I’m in my office all week.

Mike Peterson

From: The Emperor
Subject: Stuff
Date: A long time ago, plus two days


Missed you at dinner the other night. We really need to catch up.
I know we use the hologram all the time, but I really hate that thing. After a bit of ‘destroy that planet’ or ‘we’re gonna rule the universe’, I just run out of things to say. Plus, I think it makes me look old.
I was recently reminded of the time you did that little hologram tap dance while you were on Endor.
This miniature blueish version of you, right in the middle of my dining room table doing a shuffle, ball change...
Had me rollin’.

Have you fixed the trash compactor problem, yet.
We really need to get on that.

Let’s get in some one on one.

Luke is my bitch.

The Emp

From: Kevin Neederlander
Subject: Hi
Date: A really long time ago

Your Lordshipness,

I sent this a while ago, but it bounced back (I think I forgot the underscore). Anyhow, just wanted to say I’m a big fan of your work. I really started to follow you after the first Death Star thing. (Was that your idea?). But, when those fuckers destroyed it and you came back with the second one... and the whole ‘it’s actually fully operational’ thing.. man, sheer genius.
And I can’t tell you how cool it is to work for a man who wears a black cape. It’s so.. .I don’t know... retro or something. I don’t even know who’s running the Rebel team. Their outfits are just all over the place. You have no idea who’s the boss and who gets coffee. But, you walk into a room and everyone knows the 411. It’s awesome.

We actually met once. You and I. Well, sort of. I’m sure you don’t remember, but I was changing paper in one of the copy machines on the deck of a Cruiser and you were really going at one of the Captain’s. Seemed he lost some Rebel ship or came out of hyper-drive too fast or something. Anyhow, you did that ‘mime choking’ thing you do and he fell to his knees in submission (died?). You looked over at me. I couldn’t turn away. I was frozen with amazement. I’m sure you were grinning devilishly underneath that mask of yours.
How does that stuff work, btw? Incredible. Man, I can’t believe I got to see it up close. Such a highlight for me.

Anyways.. big fan. You rock.
*raises fist with devil horns*