Thursday

I'd Like To Be a Stuntman, But Finding Time To Practice Isn't Easy

Taking a Punch/Slap
At work I see Steven at the copy machine in the middle of a large collate, double sided job.
“Hey, Steven.”
“Hey.”
“That’s a big job.”
“Sure is.”
Then, I shove him against the copier.
“Hey!”
I hit the cancel button.
“What are you doing?!”
“Pussy.”
“What?”
I shove him again and mouth the words ‘hit me’.
He just stares at my mouth curiously.
I call him a loser.
“You’re a dick.”
This is going to be hard to work on.

Being Hit by Car
Walking back to the office from lunch, I see a car looking for a parking spot on the street.
It’s going just slow enough, but not too slow.
I leap out from between two parked cars.
Closing my eyes instinctively, all I hear is skidding tires and then a horn. I look up and see an angry man, silently screaming from inside the car and flipping me off.
I’ll have to look for another opportunity.

Being Bitten By Dog
Driving to the dog park with my girlfriend and our lab Charlie.
“What’s that smell?”
“What smell.”
“It smells like fish.”
“Huh?”
“What’s in the bag?”
“Nothing.”
Charlie is sniffing furiously over my shoulder from the back seat.
“Oh no. You’re not going to rub that on your pants and run around the park, again.”
Charlie is licking my ear.
No one understands how important this is.
On the bus ride home I ‘visualize’ hanging over the fence with a dog attached to my leg. It may be the only practice I get this weekend.

Falling Down Stairs
It’s been really busy at work.
Doris is really on me about the third quarter numbers, so I've had to stay late this week.
I'd like to hit the stairwell and get some time in, but Steven keeps watching me.
Why is he here this late, anyhow?
He's such a kiss ass.
I'd really like to fake fight him.

Crashing a Bicycle
The girlfriend took the car to yoga this morning and we’re out of milk.
I ponder maybe practicing crashing a bicycle on the way to 7-11, but it’s kinda cold outside.
Tossing handfuls of dry cereal in my mouth, I ‘visualize’ diving over the handlebars and doing a pretty fancy somersault thing, maybe one previously untried.
I might call it the “Jelly Roll” and name all my original moves after baked goods.

Jumping Out of Moving Car
On the way home from dinner with the girlfriend’s parents, we get into a fight over a comment I made about her father’s drinking.
It was a joke. But, jokes involving your girlfriend’s parents and drinking too much don't seem to be a very good idea.
She won’t stop harping on me.
I would like to practice ‘jumping out of moving car’, but again it’s cold outside and she’s driving pretty fast.

Falling Through Skylight
*get health insurance*

Handling Hot Food
The bowl I heated my soup in comes out really hot from the microwave, but I don’t realize until I'm halfway to the counter.
Man, it burns.
I jerk my hand and hot pea soup splashes on my wrist, then I drop the bowl on my foot.
My black socked foot is soaked with scalding liquid.
It still hurts, but the sequence is inspiring.
Maybe I’ll specialize in hot food stunts.

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